Why Having Sex When You’re Not in the Mood is a Great Idea

Why Having Sex When You're Not in the Mood is a Great Idea

We’ve all been there—you are finally getting home from a hard day’s work, you’ve managed to cross everything off your to-do list, you’re exhausted and frankly a bit cranky. All you want is to get those pajamas on, call in some takeout, and get ready to make the couch your haven for the next few hours.

But after a simple kiss hello from your lover, you realize he has a different activity in mind. One that instead of pajamas calls for your birthday suit outfit , and an unplanned workout.

What should you do in this situation? Deny your man, or give in to the obvious hints he is throwing your way? It is okay to say, “Sorry honey, I am just not feeling well,” sometimes. However, we don’t recommend this as the go-to option.

Here are a few reasons why you should occasionally say yes to sex even when you aren’t “feeling it”.

  • It will make your partner feel loved. After all, when you take the dirty name-calling, loud moaning, and risqué lingerie out of sex, it is one of the ways humans show love to one another. Show your partner that you can put their needs above yours every now and then. Use any last bit of energy you have as a tribute of love.
  • It will make your relationship stronger. To go with the previous reason, making your partner feel loved will make your relationship stronger.Relationships are a give-and-take. In this situation, he needs, and you give. Plus, who knows when the tables will turn, and you’ll be the one who is aching for some loving?
  • Sex has many benefits (regardless of whether you’re in the mood). If you are tired and bloated, having a speedy session with your lover might be exactly what you need. Sex is great to lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and get a workout that will release the endorphins you need. It is likely you will feel better after sex.

Once you’ve decided to get over your exhaustion and say yes to sex, here are some tips to help you get in the mood.

  • Tell him to take his time. Many men forget in their own excitement that they need to take time on a woman. Make him work his way up the ladder—slow kissing, wandering hands, and maybe a little oral—until finally you are ready for him. Don’t be shy, and tell him what you want.
  • Get a little help. Whether you choose a toy, a video or a steamy bath, it’s okay to get outside help for arousal. Incorporating different things into your sex life can be enough to spark a “hot and bothered” feeling.
  • Be present. Instead of thinking of the to-do list waiting for you after sex, tune into your body. What does each part of your body feel like? Your breast? His hands on your hips?

But lastly, don’t worry if you just can’t get turned on. There will be times when it is just not your day! Don’t fret, and don’t get in your head. Just enjoy doing something nice for your lover!

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  • I made a flippant comment on Twitter about this article but I gotta be really honest and say I find this entire argument borderline offensive – like the kind of BS you’d expect in a shitty Cosmo article from 20 years ago kind of offensive.

    If I was in a relationship, and was in the mood, but my partner was so tired or felt so crappy that he not only didn’t feel like sex, he was unlikely to actually enjoy it completely or get off, and he did it anyway, I wouldn’t feel loved or appreciated. I’d be pissed. And if anyone (in particular my lover) suggested our relationship needed to be strengthened by either one of us having sex when we really didn’t want to, I’d doubt whether the relationship should even exist.

    Plus, the argument is blatantly contradicting itself. A “speedy session” with your lover might be exactly what you need, but don’t forget to “tell him to take his time.” It’s okay to say you don’t feel well “sometimes,” just not as your “go-to,” but “Here are a few reasons why you should OCCASIONALLY say yes.” So which is it? Once in a while it’s a nice idea to have sex when you’re too exhausted to even enjoy it properly, or you should default to having sex when your partner wants it, regardless of how you feel.

    Incidentally, does the author know the meaning of the word exhausted? Allow me to help, “drained of one’s physical or mental resources, completely used up.” You are literally advocating that a woman who feels beyond tired to a state where she’s got nothing left to give, gives her man a little something-something, because it’ll make him happy and preserve her relationship. Is this the 1950s?

    Relationships are give and take, and sometimes you have to see to your partners needs over your wants. But there are few if any reasons that anyone in a relationship should be putting their partners WANTS ahead of their own NEEDS, and if you’re in a relationship with someone, you shouldn’t want them to do that to themselves. And if you are so tired you’d call yourself exhausted, if you genuinely don’t feel well, the last thing you should do to yourself is have sex that your’e not in the mood for.- particularly when endorphins are NOT released from just having sex.

    Endorphins are only released from physically enjoying the sex (orgasms or at least in the ballpark) or having very vigorous or strenuous sex – which is the LAST thing you should be doing if you’re already wiped out. You don’t get an endorphin release from walking a block, you get from serious jogging for like an hour. So if you’re having sex just to please your partner without really getting into yourself, most of the health benefits of sex go out the window, unless you having such aerobic sex that you might literally make yourself unwell if you’re already exhausted.

    This article is a serious slap in the face to the culture of consent, that is trying to encourage people of all genders to stop pushing people to have sex when they don’t really want to and to stop having sex just because someone else wants you, regardless of your own desires. I’m not saying that it’s a horrifying idea to occasionally have sex with your partner, when you aren’t particularly up for it – counting on a little foreplay to get you into it. But there’s a VERY big difference between not being up for it, and being so exhausted that your’e cranky and you can’t even imagine making yourself something to eat before burying yourself in the couch. That is PRECISELY when we should be encouraging men and women to not only feel safe and loved enough to turn down sex, but to be willing to ask their partner for a little love and understanding toward their own needs.

    And frankly, I don’t think any grown woman who is reading your website, needs to be given reasons why it can still bee fun to have sex when you weren’t the one revved to initiate it. Which is, I suspect, why this article specifically uses language that goes beyond just ‘not in the mood’, to encourage women to have sex when it’s probably the last thing in the world they feel like doing. And if having sex is the last thing you feel like doing, it’s a good bet it’s the last thing you SHOULD be doing.

    I’m disappointed that an article like this exists in any capacity in the 21st century, let alone on a site that appears to be about promoting health lifestyles and relationships for women.

  • SultryDish.com

    Hey Fem,

    I hear you and I do apologize for the offence. You bring up some fantastic points that simply can’t be contradicted. We do pride ourselves on trying to be diametrically opposed to anything Cosmo. Sometimes posts are put up to stir up a little bit of discussion, but I can say that this one was misguided. We would like to keep the post up, not to stir the pot, but simply for the fantastic and eloquent post you created. We own this, and we will encourage our authors to look at this page as a testament to the ramifications of writing an article ()and us for posting it)that flippantly casts aside an important and very much integral core of what we stand for; equality, strength, intelligence and consent.

    Your’s humbly,

    Sulty Dish