An Education in Traditional Marriage by Betty Bowers

Hey conservative Christians!  I know it’s been a really bad week.

The Supreme Court decision allowing same-sex marriage has been shoved down your throats and has destroyed your religious liberties, as well as completely exploding the constitution.

There’s also the backlash you’re currently receiving by simply defending your religious (and formerly constitutional) rights; especially the inalienable truth that traditional marriage is the union of one man and one women in the eyes of God.

No matter!  Here are some things you can take heart in as a true believer:

The Rapture

Remember, this is a war you’ve already won.  A lucky few (that means you and your fortunate relatives) will be transmuted to your spiritual essences, meet the big man himself, and have a front row view to the end times as the heathens, sodomites and non-believers suffer through a multitude of tribulations.

The Second Coming

Jesus comes back; God judges all heathens, sodomites and non-believers, and kicks them all collectively in the ass for all eternity.

Betty Bowers

Perhaps the greatest Christian in the world, Ms. Bowers takes the text of the Bible literally.  She shuns the despicable concept of interpreting the Bible’s verses in order to promote cultural or social biases such as racism, xenophobia or deviant homosexualism (is that a word?).  We know this rarely ever happens, because conservative Christians are a forgiving, non-judgmental bunch; just like Jesus.

Anyways, Ms. Bowers will show all of non-super devout Christians what marriage in the Bible is really like.

And all I can say is this: once Ms. Bowers explains Bible marriage in all its glory, the non-believers will never again question the authority of marriage as commanded by the Bible!

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