There are many reasons why some adult males don’t lose their virginity. Some are closeted gay males raised in an environment hostile to homosexuals, some are asexual, and others have made a decision to delay sex until marriage. However, the type of virgin considered in this article are heterosexual, desire sex, are intelligent, and have good jobs. By all rights, these people shouldn’t have problems and yet they do.
Roger Andrews (not his real name), is an attractive man with blond hair and a strong chin. He’s a computer engineer who’s friendly with his coworkers and interacts well with his clients. He plays jazz drums, scuba dives in the Caribbean, and has traveled a lot. He is also a middle aged virgin.
The root of Roger’s problem, is that he is intensely shy around women. In junior high, he went on a few dates with a girl who liked him, but he called it off with her because he felt inept, and did not know what to say or do. At this point, he wasn’t much different from a lot of shy and awkward teenagers going out on dates for the first time. What happened next, set the course for the rest of his youth and young adulthood. He stopped trying and became paralyzed.
Many teenagers continue through high school and even college, trying and fumbling their way through meeting, interacting, and dating girls until they learn enough so that they are passably good enough to attract and have relationships with females who are roughly in the same “league” as them. Roger also had great difficulty conversing spontaneously with women he didn’t know. Small talk is a skill that has to be learned through practice. If you practice anything enough in real situations, the brain adapts and gets better at the skill.
The process of dating and mating is similar to finding a good job. Both require that you go through semi ritualized activities that can involve a lot of rejection. Those who are successful at both, learn to deal with rejection, learn from mistakes, and improve their skills through simple repetition. The improvement in skills, combined with perseverance, and some luck in terms of opportunity, lands them a job/girlfriend.
The longer a person fails to overcome this kind of problem, the more likely he will remain this way for the rest of his life. When a virgin reaches 30 years of age, he begins to run into society’s bias against older virgins being weird, creepy, losers, or damaged goods. This makes the mating game all the more difficult, especially within his own mind. By the time he reaches middle age, he has developed habits and rituals that enable him to adapt to his isolation. These habits and rituals construct a kind of comfort zone that gets ever harder to break out of. Spending weekend nights at home engaged in some engrossing hobby, book, movie, or video game are infinitely preferable to going out and facing up to the painful reality. Comfort zones limit people, and the older one gets, the harder it becomes to escape them.
This quote explains the phenomenon well:
“Every older virgin has a unique story,” Johnston explains. “They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience.” age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. “By 30,” Blanchard explains, “older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide.”
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